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11.19.2014

You are NOT alone


Tears and fears.  
Why do they go together so well? 

Lonely is a feeling that has been on my heart and mind lately.  I find myself crying some nights because I fear that I will never meet/be with my soulmate, my person, etc.  Since June of 2009, I haven't been in a relationship with anyone.  Every time I see an update on Facebook of a friends' wedding anniversary, i am reminded of how I went to their wedding without a plus one AND how I am still in that same place. 

If I am being completely honest with myself (and you, faithful reader) I would say that my actions have not been anywhere near what a twenty-seven year old Christian woman should be doing with her life.  

What does that even look like?  Glad you asked.

Every day during the week, I leave my cubicle and drive home to my room....at my parent's house.  They say I can stay as long as I want and that I never have to move out.  I may just take them up on that offer because I'm still single.  I rarely get asked out on dates.  If I do get asked on a date, I say yes.  Then the date never happens.  
It's a very unsatisfying merry-go-round, y'all.

A while back I was communicating with an ex (text messages only).  Him and I are both very comfortable with each other textually and we say whatever is on our minds.  Almost every word we have typed has come from our id (psychology Freud term for what you desire).   A few texts have said I am praying for him, but if you read the rest you would not think very highly of me.  I have a false sense of completion with this person, always have.  Feeling particularly lonely a few weeks ago, I text him and we started up our typical conversation.  I fell asleep satisfied and woke up feeling alone, all over again.

I can't go on denying that what I have been doing is wrong.  It isn't Godly.  When I really start to think about what I have been doing, I feel guilty.  My conscience knows that is isn't right; yet I still sent the messages back and forth.  My actions were causing another person to sin and visa versa.  

  Being completely transparent here, I am not anywhere near where I should be spiritually.  So one night, I grabbed the devotional on my nightstand and opened up to where I left off.  This is what was written for me.  I started to cry because I could not remember the last time I heard God speak to me so clearly. 



Many people attach themselves to hurtful people or harmful things because they yearn to escape their aloneness.  But you are NEVER alone, for you are mine.  I chose you before the creation of the world, and you are a permanent member of My royal family.


It hit me like a ton of bricks.  That is exactly what I have been doing; attaching myself to someone who doesn't want a relationship with me, just talking about the benefits.  It isn't his fault.  Most of the time, I was the one that encourages it.  I have caused the stumbling in my walk with Jesus.  It is hard to swallow that truth and I don't know what all the consequences will be for me in the future. 

I would be real embarrassed if someone got into my text messages without me deleting the evidence first.  But guess what?  Nothing is DELETED from God.  He sees everything and more than that, HE knows my heart.  He knows I want to be loved by someone that I can call my best friend, partner, lover, etc.  But I am not giving HIM the chance to do that.  

Moreover, I am not giving my heart and the desires that matter to HIM; basically the only person who should get my everything. Jesus knows our sins.  I still haven't physically given myself to anyone I've dated, but a part of me does not feel very pure. 

I write all this to say that for anyone else who stumbles in their walk with the Lord and doesn't act very Christian-like when it comes to boys/men, I am right there with you.  
This is a struggle I have and I can't do it alone.  But that's the thing, I'm not alone.   

You are not alone.   




We both have someone who loves us more than life itself.  
God created you and I in His image and honestly, 
that picture of me could be a whole lot prettier.  

The point of this long post is that Jesus gave up his life for you and me.
And I think the least I can do is stop texting guys who would do none of that for me and start talking to the One who did.

3 comments:

  1. You are so right! I know it's hard.....I was there. I went seriously like 8 years without a single date. No one interested. Sure I would die alone and have to buy a house full of cats. But then, the right guy stumbled into the picture and we got married last month. It does happen! And even if it didn't happen, you're exactly right, I was never alone!

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  2. Listen girl.
    1. Move out of your parents house.
    2. Join Match.COM
    3. Avoid the weirdos on Match.COM
    4. Match.COM doesn't work for ya? F it, do you.
    5. Sexting is not a sin.

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  3. I wish you would stop feeling so guilty for things you're doing! God loves you no matter what those text messages say OR what you do physically. I understand if you don't want to do things and then your turn around and do them how THAT can upset you but just remember we are all human and the right man will love you no matter what you've done/been through in your past. You do need to accept that you aren't alone. God IS always with you and that you should maybe focus on him/other things instead of always looking for the right guy. Be confident in your choices. If you sext a guy - own it. Don't feel ashamed or like you're letting God down. We ALL MAKE mistakes or choices we aren't so proud of but they all lead you down a path and you just have to own that path and LOVE IT. No matter the journey... live and learn from this life. I say it time and time again - fall in love with yourself. Just because a man hasn't come along to love you yet doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. YOU ARE FANTASTIC. Make your own happiness <3 love you!

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